What does it mean to “keep it real?” Perhaps it depends on who you ask. To me it means practicing authenticity.
It involves asking yourself, “in this moment…is all of what I am saying, doing, feeling and thinking on the same track?”
Am I communicating authentically?
- or am I playing a game;
- or trying to hide something;
- or trying to illicit a response from someone else?
You don’t have to be a communications expert to know that trying to get someone else to say or acknowledge something that you think they should is a pointless endeavor.
So why do we do it?
Well, sometimes people in my profession (Therapists) do it because they slip outside the bounds of the therapeutic stance.
Instead of facilitating a “healthy relationship,” where game playing and hiding are kept to a minimum, they become frustrated with someone’s “lack of progress,” and the resulting communication is a manifestation of:
- fatigue;
- hopelessness;
- or even a lack of skill with regard to accurate conceptualization of the client’s needs at the time.
After all, what a person says in therapy (like in most communications) is not necessarily more important than how they are saying it.
An effective therapist or an effective communicator must therefore “keep it real,” and address the process – the how – in what someone is saying.
Are they speaking from a place of…
- anger,
- fear,
- distrust,
- shame,
- anxiety?
If any of those apply and a therapist ignores the undertone, the rest of the communication is moot, because the conversation is no longer “real.” Instead, they are engaged in a surface dialogue about content (topic of discussion) that does not matter more than the feelings underneath it.
When therapists are not authentic, the clients feel it and it erodes trust in the relationship. In fact, I would argue that lack of authenticity causes harm in most types of relationships.
So how can we all “keep it real” while being respectful of one another at the same time? After all, authenticity isn’t about being mean or aggressive.
When used in effective communication, authenticity is about respect and a deep-seated belief that even if I don’t understand or I totally disagree… there is a good explanation for what you are doing.
I must be willing to be curious and patient in the “process” of following those feelings to the explanation that lies beneath.
Undoubtedly, some would say “follow the thoughts to dislodge the feelings.” But I believe that feelings are much more apparent if you are willing to engage with them. They are right at the surface and difficult to miss, no matter how much one tries to hide them.
Feelings leak out in:
- our posture;
- our facial expressions;
- our tone of voice etc…
If a person presents a problem for discussion, more than likely it was their strong feelings on the matter that prompted the discussion. If you don’t get a sense of those feelings before going straight to trying to address the problem, you are only engaged in half of the “real” discussion.
The truth is, you don’t even have to ask the question “How do you feel?” You can simply observe their expressed feelings through their posture, facial expressions and tone. You observe their process; while also hearing the content of what the person is presenting.
We see this phenomenon in arguments between couples, siblings, friends, co-workers….
People believe they need support with who was right and who was wrong. That whole premise is built on the notion that somehow you can go through life and if you are living it correctly… you will never be wrong! Why are we so outraged in the wrongness within ourselves and others?
The majority of wrongs are not egregious. Our outrage should be saved for those wrongs that are egregious.
Instead we must focus on helping people express what is real and true for them underneath the argument like:
- I am hurt;
- I am angry:
- I am scared;
- I am sad;
- I am ashamed;
- I am worried and so on…
In other words, it is not about who was right or wrong… it is about whether or not each person was respected and acknowledged as a human being along the way.
When we attend to how someone is expressing themselves in a respectful manner… we demonstrate that we can handle their being upset and their irritation. And they no longer need to keep expressing that emotion or the subsequent problematic behavior.
So now what?
Now you can revisit the content of a discussion from a place where the client or person is more honest and authentic with themselves and with you.
From that space you have a chance that each person involved has:
- a better chance of communicating and making decisions in a way they feel good about;
- and a better chance of forgiving themselves or others.
Attending to process translates to almost every area of human interaction.
When we ignore the emotions behind the words, we make a choice not to see one another.
Copyright © 2015 Ruby Blow. All rights reserved.
Share your thoughts on Linkedin, Facebook, Twitter