Getting what you want is best achieved by centering what you need. Centering what you need is a process. In large part it depends on your values and the narratives you believe about who you are and who you are supposed to be. Effectively, your professional and personal development can be devoted to uncovering who you truly are and what you truly want.
Create the Space
Getting what you want has to be coupled with creating the space for what you want. It stands to reason that if you are continuously dissatisfied with your work, your relationships, or yourself, that a major contributor involves the desire to cling to what you’ve known – no matter how much it is not serving you. There are some things within our power to influence. So what we have is not necessarily a reflection of what we want, but a rather a reflection of what we think we can have.
- Creating space for what you want means that you must be willing to remove the obstacles in the way of having what you want.
- Creating space for what you want can also mean letting go of self righteousness and ideas about what is fair or not fair.
- Creating space for what you want may mean inconveniencing yourself. Those inconveniences can break your own heart by no longer staying connected and beholden to people and places that are not in alignment with your wants.
Getting what you want often means doing things differently and also believing differently than you have been. It does not mean giving up on people and places and organizations, but it does mean you must be honest about what your choices and habits are yielding. Getting what you want involves habits and consistently making decisions that are in alignment with what you want. And if what you want is eluding you, it is important to get honest about how you are contributing to what it is that you don’t want.
Start with a Healthy Self
For example, if you don’t want to work at a place that devalues you, then why are you still working at a place that devalues you? Most people will say it is because they need the money. But the truth is you can earn money elsewhere. If you are in a relationship that you feel is not meeting your most fundamental needs for connection, what needs to happen for a connection to be established? If a connection cannot be established, what needs to happen so that you can maintain a healthy relationship with yourself?
I recently had a conversation with a colleague/friend in which she quoted Prentiss Hemphill who said “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” With regard to relating to work, I would add that “Healthy boundaries are the distance at which I can respect myself and my employers, clients, and colleagues simultaneously.”
Becoming the self you want involves learning to want that which is truly good for you. Becoming a self you feel good about has very little to do with how others are treating you and everything to do with how you are treating yourself.
Copyright © 2019 Ruby Blow. All rights reserved.